TWO LOVIE-DOVIES

It's going to be hard to send this seasonal message to young lovers without sounding like Scrooge. But that's never stopped me before, so here goes!

Despite the obvious fact that there is nothing wrong with being hopelessly, helplessly in love at Christmas time, there is nothing more likely to spoil the festive mood of your friends and relatives than excessive smooching - especially at the Holiday dinner table. That may be why, when wise hosts seat their guests, they tend to separate new lovers.

And speaking of Christmas dinner, no playing "footsy" under the table, either. That's dangerous at the best of times.

Believe it or not, you aren't the first people to be madly in love at this season of the year. And you won't be the last.

So, take a moment to look somewhere other than in your lover's eyes and spare a thought for the sensibilities of others - not only those poor souls unfortunate enough to find Christmas lonely and depressing, but that much larger group who consider this a time to share affection with as wide a section of humanity as possible (strangers and friends and lovers alike).

When you accepted the invitation to spend some part of your Christmas with family or friends, you accepted a kind of social responsibility. In short, you're expected to mingle. And it's precisely because you're in love that other people want you around. They want to get to know you and your new partner and discover what the hell you see in one other.

So, let them!

In other words, remember that the mistletoe is for everyone. Don't hog it! And don't go wild underneath it, either. There are probably kids around.

There'll be plenty of time for smooching when you're alone later by the fireplace (or under the tree, as opportunity and passion dictates).

We know you're in love! It's obvious! And we're happy for you. Honest!

But if you ignore the rest of us or frighten the kids or put us off our Christmas Pudding, we reserve the right to gloat when love goes wrong. 

"I knew it wouldn't last," we'll say. "You could tell, in spite of the way they acted at Christmas dinner."

And we'll enjoy saying it, too.

(The countdown of THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS continues tomorrow with THREE BARTERED HENS.)