SCHLEMMER SHOPPING

When my neighbours left last fall to spend the winter in Europe, they asked me to collect their mail. And part of my reward for this, they said, would be free access to their copies of NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC.

But I must admit I've never broken the wrapper on any of those - preferring, instead, to comb through the catalogs they receive from that most unusual of American retailers, Hammacher-Schlemmer.

Founded in New York in 1848, the company originally specialized in selling a hardware-hungry public such essentials as quality plumb bobs and saw bummers and quickly grew into a world-wide operation that has become known for "offering the best, the only and the unexpected for 162 years".

It's certainly safe to say that paging through their catalog is bound to produce the unexpected: items you never knew you needed, like a diving mask with built-in digital camera or the world's only 3D webcam or an Indoor Dog Restroom.

You'll come across a pair of electronic earmuffs, a hands-free, steering-wheel-mounted speakerphone and even an ultrasonic jewelery cleaner - which has to make you wonder who comes up with these things and what motivation lies behind their ideas. I mean, did someone suddenly think, "You know, I'm really tired of having to clean my jewelery by hand! Why don't I see if I can find a way to do it with sound waves?"

However the inventors manage it, there's almost no aspect of life that's been overlooked by the folks at H-S. 

They will sell you a laser-guided pool cue, a perpetually-rotating globe which uses light and the earth's magnetic pull to operate or a life-size, working version of Robbie The Robot from the 50's sci-fi thriller, FORBIDDEN PLANET.

Of course, I'm never likely to own any of those things (or even see them in operation), since I'm only a window shopper in the Great Mall of Life.

I suppose I got that way by perusing the catalogs my grandmother used to get to shop for prizes for the Martha Club booth at her parish Fall Fair. Reading them taught me that, however rare or unusual the item, there's always someone willing to sell it to you - and that, however unlikely the chance you'd ever buy one, reading its description and checking its price can offer hours of cheap and educational entertainment.

Later in life, I learned to pass those long winter days waiting for the first fishing trip of spring by poring over volumes of sporting goods paraphernalia. And the whole voyeuristic process seemed to culminate when I discovered the delights of that consummate collection of 1960's Counter Culture, THE WHOLE EARTH CATALOG which not only listed goods for sale but contained many bits of free information and suggestions on ways to get more.

Then, one day, the very concept of printed catalogs seemed to be under threat - something my friend, the local postmaster cheered, since the mere mention of Sears was enough to remind him of the hernia he'd acquired delivering them.  Sears and Eatons announced they wouldn't be publishing catalogs any more. And as PCs became popular, more and more retailers posted their goods for sale on the net.

But it's just not the same! Aficionados know that nothing can ever replace the delight of thumbing through the glossy pages of a good paper catalog. And it appears that Hammacher-Schlemmer understands that.

So, I send them a tip of the hat - if not an order. And I remind them that an important part of their function in this world is to entertain those of us who aren't likely to be customers. 

Because in the end, we can be the best promoters of their products. And if you don't believe that... well, hasn't reading this got you wondering how much a pair of spring-loaded walking shoes might set you back?