THE 15 MILLION DOLLAR OOPS

Oh Canada, we stand on guard for thee. But as for your gold, well...

Last June, some observant accountant noticed an "unreconciled difference" between the book value of the gold at the National Mint in Winnipeg and the actual gold on hand.  The difference amounted to some 17,000 ounces.

Now, I've been known to misplace things now and again. And whenever I did that in my early years, my mother would always resort to that tried and true adage: "When you can't find something no matter how hard you try, it's usually because it's right under your nose."

Operating on much the same principle, the folks at the Mint not only initiated a fuller audit, they immediately began to look in every cabinet, check under every rug and scrape under the fingernails of everybody in the place.

Of course, no one really wanted to consider the possibility of theft - in part, because they didn't like the thought of betrayal by one of their own; in part, because they wouldn't want to have to admit that someone had finally figured a clever way around their rigorous security; and in part, because they hated the idea of some cunning bastard beating them to an early and luxurious retirement.

The Junior Transport Minister, who is responsible for the running of the Mint (How ironic is that?! Transport!), quickly realized that the audit would only tell them what went missing not how. So, he called in the Mounties.

The RCMP's report on the case isn't due to be released for two weeks yet, but the gist of it has already leaked out. And in effect, it says: "Don't worry! It was just a mistake - a $15,000,000 mistake."

The way they figure it, Mint officials may have simply "double-counted" bullion they sold or underestimated how much gold shrinks when it's processed.

Ah, well! Nobody's perfect.

The government has withheld bonuses intended for Mint big wigs. But now that the Mounties have been unable to find any evidence of theft, they may have to go ahead and give them out.

Some Canadians may be furious, but I only feel regret. I regret that I'm too old to apply for a job at the Mint.

At any rate, the bill for the audit has finally come in: $360,000. 

And if I were the firm that did it, I'd insist on taking my payment in gold. And I'd want to do the weighing myself.