UNIONIZING THE SELF-EMPLOYED

My mother once begged me to find a job that could be described in one or two words, because she was tired of spending so much time trying to explain to people what the hell I was doing for a living.

I told her I had the same problem.

Truth is: I've always been a freelancer at heart - even when I was on somebody else's payroll.

I've done the nine-to-five thing (and even the five-to-five), but my heart was never in it. You might say I was a flex-time kind of guy long before there was such a thing.  

At least, it's allowed me to sample a bit here and there from the Grand Buffet of Work.

I've been a meat-cutter, a film reviewer, a TV cameraman, a radio broadcaster, a cabbie, a census commissioner, a Tarot card reader, the director of a comedy troupe and even (God help me!) a consultant.

And now, I'm supposed to be "retired". But I'm not sure, in times of financial chaos like these, if that term has any meaning.  

So, these days, when people ask what I do, I simply tell them I'm self-employed... and the boss is a bastard!

I must admit I have no patience with all those wishful wage slaves whose eyes gloss over every time they say, "Gee, I would love to start a business of my own!" That's when they ought to remember that wise old Yiddish axiom: "Get into business, get into trouble."

And believe me, the trouble is much worse when you're the business and the entire board of directors, management and staff hold their meetings inside your skull.

I really do believe that the self-employed need a union... and better benefits and paid vacations and a secure retirement plan. But let's face it: the jackass-in-charge will only whine and claim he can't afford any of that.

So, I say, "Screw him!"  

I'll just keep on showing up late and dogging it at the office and telling him whatever he wants to hear. I'll keep on swallowing his lies and smile right back at him as if I believe every word he says. But I won't.  

And then, one day when I catch him by surprise and really do retire, the son of a bitch will finally realize how much he depended on me. And as far as I'm concerned, it'll serve him right!